Finals

I took my trip to Sydney during that time when all good students were staying back in the dorms and studying. Now, to somebody else, it would mean that I would have to get all that study time in during the time when I was actually taking finals. Fortunately for me, I discovered that study was effectively useless for essay-type finals years ago. This effectively boils down to me studying for approximately maybe one hour this last week for all four of my finals. Don't you just hate me?

Anywhoo, I really have to describe the finals taking process over here, it's really something spectacular. Also, it's so . . . special. . . that I really should just say that it may be only at Massey University; it may not be a whole kiwiland thing. Okay, with that preface, let me begin:

It's like taking the SAT from Nazis in a prison.

They take multiple different classes and sit them together in a large seminar room. The tests are organized (or rather, disorganized) by row and column. And, apparently, since I'm in the Southern Hemisphere, that means that the definitions for row and column have to be switched. Really, they told me the first day that I was in row A column C, so, naturally I went three seats in on the first row and found the wrong final. Then I realized where I was, so I went three rows up and in the first seat was the final for my class. Naturally.

From there I sat down, took out my pencil, and prepared to write. That would make sense, yes? But no, nobody else was writing in the entire, huge hall, so, being the sheep that I am, I put my pencil back down and waited for everybody else to write. But no, writing was not to come for a while yet. Instead, I had to sit and listen to the rules for taking a final:

1. No entering the examination room 45 minutes after the (3 hour!) final has commenced. Oh, and make-up finals are simply not given, it's a university policy. So if your alarm forgets to sound and you get there 46 minutes late, you fail the class.

2. Students can not leave the room until at least one hour has passed. This means that if you have a really easy final, like my friend Joe did that took 20 minutes, you simply have to wait quietly in your seat until the test is over. I don't even know why they have this rule.

3. Reading Time! Yep, you heard me, before you can even pick up a pencil, you get to read the test for 10 minutes. Yep, 10 minutes where you get to look at the test and not even make notes-if you do, they come and take your supplied notepaper away. It's like kindergarten.

4. No cell phones. Okay, this makes sense, yes? But not to the extent that they take it. If you have a cell phone, even though it be off in your pocket, it's trouble. Well, Brandt, how would they know if I have a cell phone? A good question, that. Let me answer it: They scan the room with a device that is purported to be able to sense cell phones. Yep, they scan you like an airport cavity search for your cell phone.

5. No outside tissues. They supply you with tissues in the test for fear that you will have written on your own, personal tissue with notes pertinent to the exam. They're that anal. Of course, for the more inventive of us, we realize that this can make the test proctor our bitch. They have to bring you a tissue if you raise your hand, so you can make 'em run back and forth throughout the exam bringing you tissues! One guess what I did during my last exam. . .

6. Potty Breaks. If you have to go to the restroom, then you have to be accompanied by a test proctor. I wouldn't be surprised if they were required to watch you too. . .

So there you go, finals at Massey University. Wow, eh? Oh, and in case you care, yes, my finals all went pretty well. For 60% of my grade in each class, they seemed really, really easy. It's kinda weird, in fact, finishing one of three essays on the test and saying, "there goes 20% of my grade in a half-hour. Wheeee."

In case you couldn't tell by the thinly veiled sarcasm, I was none too impressed with the final exams here.

Butko out.